I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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