I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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