we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
