I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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