Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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