remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
