he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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