I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
