she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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