omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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