she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
