Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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