i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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