it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
