I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
