So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Randomize
