If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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