i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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