Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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