my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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