I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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