Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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