I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
