Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
