This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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