I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
