life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
