Soap is not a condiment
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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