I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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