I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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