Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
