Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
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