no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
