capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
