How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
