yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
