When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
