My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Drunk is not a location!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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