dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
