Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
