Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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