I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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