I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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