Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She told me I should be a condom model.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
