I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
