you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
