and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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