apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
