theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
