I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
