I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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