I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize