Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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