Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
