Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
