Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
