some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
